Jared + Laundry Balls Article

This article is dedicated to my loving husband.


(Please don’t hate me.)


For those of you engaged in wedlock until death do us part, you are well aware of the mundane fact that arguments tend to sneak their way into our lives from time to time, whether we solicit it or not.


I imagine being married to a Holistic Health Practitioner can prove to be quite difficult at times. I mean just think of all the nonsense my poor husband must endure.


As his demanding, holistic wife, I of course insist on eating healthy (healthy according to Katie, that is) 80% of our life together. And in order to fully ensure that this happens, I do all of the (Whole Foods, Trader Joes, local markets) grocery shopping. And I, as you would assume, insist on consuming homemade, delicious and decadent meals, those of which consist of, but are not limited to, meat, potatoes and butter. And in order to make certain this remains a regular life occurrence, I execute all of the cooking. Well. Except for burgers. And sausage. And really anything on the grill that requires man hands.


For those of you up to date on the statistic that breakfast delegates as the most important meal of the day, I’m sure you realize that I also insist on the indulging of breakfast every morning. So. In order to force the early AM meal down my husband’s sometimes 5-year-old equivalent throat, I concoct my very own smoothie recipe (Cough. with secret scoopings of coconut oil. Cough). But God forbid the smoothie doesn’t taste exactly like a dairy queen milk shake sundae slushy. So in order to assemble the breakfast drink JUST to my adorning husband’s selective liking, I add a spoonful of love, or rather, a spoonful of Haagen Dazs vanilla bean ice cream with only 4 ingredients.


Oh. Wait. Did I say being married to me was difficult? I actually meant really completely utterly awesome.


The most recent fender bender between the spouse and I all started when I came home from work late one evening last week.


OK. Hold up. Allow me to pause for a brief moment in time to illustrate a quick, relative history background. Please keep in mind during the remainder of this article that I have the sense of smell synonymous with that of a German shorthaired pointer.

Right. Moving on.


I came home heavy eyed and un-amused one weekday night only to open the door to my fresh-faced Labrador and handsome husband. Which, yes, typically shifts the mood from stupid to quite glorious. However, this wasn’t one of the nights.


Something was wrong. Something was very, very, terribly, and undeniably wrong. And my nose hairs, tingly and standing on high alert, were making certain that I knew just that.

“What’s that smell?” I asked sweetly, passive aggressively, and now also puffy-eyed and snot nosed.


“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” My husband replied in an equally mono toned, equally guilty voice.


Oh okay, I see what’s going on here. Two can play at this game. You try to hide a rancid odor from me? Well my german pointer dog trap smelling device will win. every. time.

It was at this defining moment that I noticed the laundry room door ajar. And moving ever so slighty. Bingo.


When I pushed the once fresh, natural scented laundry room door open, the putrid aroma of parabans and chemicals hit me in the face like a baseball bat to a light bulb.

“What the hell is that awful smell!?” I proclaimed.

“What! So I bought Tide Ocean Breeze laundry balls, so what!?”

“Tide? Ocean Breeze? Balls? WHAT!!??”

“Oh give me a break. YOU LOVE THE OCEAN!” My husband asserted all the while briskly walking away from the scene of the crime.


Great. So he purchased these chemical laced, saggy cleaning balls with my likings in mind? This makes everything so much more complicated.


I could sense that my husband had also had a potential no so great day at the office. So rather than continuing to nag and express my side of the argument (being the correct side, of course), I instead decided to hold my tongue, mentally envision myself double fist punching his jugular and post my argumentative points to 1700 of my closest family and friends.


The points are as follows:


The average American home has chemical contamination levels seventy times greater than levels found in the polluted outside environment. These toxins emerge anywhere from the cleaners we use, i.e. dishwasher detergent, drain cleaners, surface cleaners, ocean breeze ball cleaners; to the pots and pans we cook with.

There are many environmental toxins that modify hormonal responses in the body, activating cells and altering the immune system, creating immunodeficiency. When said toxins take action early in life and persist for an extended period of time, extremely small amounts can cause life-long, sometimes threatening, changes.


At elevated doses, environmental-estrogen like chemicals are likely to produce adverse affects on the human body. Most of these environmental factors equate to profound damage of the thymus gland, which regulates the immune system. Thus, by acting on the thymus, these chemicals acquired from our environment tend to be additive with various other immunosuppressive factors, including inflammation, illness and even cancer. Excess estrogen induced chemicals can as well suppress thyroid function; interfere with the digestive system, all the while damaging the body’s normal feedback control.


Furthermore, cell division, when it is part of the body’s continuous renewal and adaptation, isn’t a source of mutations or degeneration, but when it is induced by the mediators of inflammation produced in response to injury, it leads to inherited changes, loss of differentiated function, and eventually to genetic instability, illness and disease.

I’m aware that some of you may currently be thinking, well if he’s purchasing laundry detergent, then at least he’s most likely doing the laundry. And yes, you’re absolutely right, he does do laundry. He also does the dishes, cleans the kitchen, vacuums and mops, and I love him all the more for it. However. All of that mushy love stuff plummets out the exit window when he engineers said chore list with a cleaning agent that attempted to capture the scent of our largest, natural body of water containing most of the world’s hydrosphere into a 100 fluid ounce plastic container.


Fortunately, there are several non-toxic, biodegradable, environmentally safe cleaning supplies available to us as consumers. In fact, most grocery and generic drug stores now have these products readily available.


So. Now that all of you have a taste of the quarrels that take place in the Green household….Jared, I completely understand if you sleep in the guest bedroom tonight.


I call Sasha.

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