Farts on a plane

Typically, I attempt to search for new article ideas when traveling, however, on this particular trip I didn’t have to elicit any form of searching. In fact, I didn’t even have to pretend to mimic an eavesdropping supplement detective because a potential new blog post unexpectedly hit me directly in the face. And I mean that in the most literal sense possible.


This past weekend, I traveled to New York to visit my long-time girlfriends. However, this article isn’t about my glittery, glamorous, flamboyant trip to the big city. Rather, it’s about the flight on the way over and the woman that ruined it for me. By continually singeing my nose hairs with her kale provoked gas.


I decided to grab a coffee and a water before my flight from New Orleans to LGA early Friday AM when I noticed a woman munching on a kale salad the size of my face. I didn’t even really spy any salad paraphernalia. Just kale. I made a quick mental note that not only did that probably taste terrible, but it was going to have strong repercussions. And that those repercussions better not be on Delta Flight 2006.


I’m telling you, my dog doesn’t produce this foul of a smell. Probably because my dog doesn’t eat kale. Each time I began to doze off on my 3 hour flight to the Big Apple, a gorilla smelling man fart jolted me awake. This went on for The. Entire. Flight. And I knew exactly where it was coming from. (Okay so maybe I did play a small detective role).


Multiple thought patterns crossed my mind during the expulsion of gas charade. They consisted of, but were not limited to, exit windows, plummeting deaths and business card handouts. Because clearly this woman needed advanced nutritional advice. Either that, or whomever she’s living with better have gas masks in every drawer of the house.


Nevertheless, 3 sleepless, seething and bad tasting mouth hours later, I decided not to let Farts Magee get the best of me. This was going to be an amazing trip, and a little kale flatulence wasn’t going to stand in my way.


Fast forward 24 hours.


Visiting my friends and residing at their NYC bungalow, they know me well enough to realize that in order to prevent the worst version of myself, they need to feed me. Frequently. Remarkably, my sweet, beautiful friend played an awesome Mom role and prepared an egg, ham, onion, and leek quiche, organic might I add, early Saturday morning with previously bought ingredients. It was thoughtful, delicious and reduced my hangover (shh don’t tell) by 90%. However, the words that followed her offer of the decadent dish will haunt me for the rest of my life.


“Would you like your quiche with a side of kale?”


It was like the horror movie villain appearing in slow motion. THE KALE IS STALKING ME.

Although bug eyed and terrified, I politely declined. But my friend knows me well enough to realize that the decline was bogus. So she insisted I inform her “what the hell is wrong with kale”.


So, eventually, I did.


Humans, as a species, were designed to digest certain foods. Humans (as a species) were also NOT designed to digest certain foods. When we eat said indigestible foods, we wreak havoc on our bodily systems, creating a toxic digestive environment, thus breaking down the body, thus providing difficulty to combat that of sickness and disease. Done to a habitual extent, cellular disruption occurs, and illness inevitably follows.


Kale just so happens to fall under the category of humanly indigestible foods. Allow me to put it simply: We. Were. Not. Designed. To. Eat. Kale. Ruminant animals, however, were. Cow, sheep, deer, goat, buffalo, lamb have an entirely different physiological makeup than our own. And they eat large amounts of plant matter in order to provide adequate nutrition and energy. Said herbivores come equipped with a microbial component referred to as a Rumen. Humans lack this necessary fibrous plant digestible component, therefore, humans don’t have what it takes to properly digest and absorb the nutrients from kale and other plant like substances. So rather than lending us the nutritious value that we need, the kale itself deprives us of energy and health from a physiological standpoint.


Furthermore, symptoms of a toxic digestive system include, but are not limited to, stomach pain, bloat, GAS, headache, tiredness, lethargy, breathlessness, skin disorders, joint and muscle ache, etc.


I believe we know what kale solicited symptom the woman from my NYC flight was experiencing.


So the next time Dr. Oz suggests kale as the magical detox cleansing agent, simply remember poor little ole me and the rest of the passengers aboard Delta Flight 2006.

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