So. I have yet to receive my first negative feedback, hate mail or death threat (I know. It’s only a matter of time), however, I have a sneaking suspicion that this article may elicit either one or all of the above. Let it rain.
I was casually browsing through my Facebook newsfeed the other day, you know, as we all do from time to time, when a “nutrition” post (pictured) authored by our one and only, Drew Brees, caught my navigating eye. Before even looking at the foodie photo, I glanced at the number of “likes” the post manifested, a whopping total of 8k. I then migrated to the food items pictured, in which Drew (inappropriately) titled, “A Healthy Late Night Snack”. Then, and only then, did I realize that 8,000 some odd followers of the athletic, charitable, god-like knight (No, I’m not being sarcastic. I truly believe he is all of these things. Especially God-like.) were being mislead. So. As they say, I just. Couldn’t. Help. Myself.
The dreamy quarterback has only one thing going for him in this particular bedtime-munching charade. Organic blueberries. Blueberries are the shiznit of health food as they boost energy, metabolism and accommodate adequate physiological functions in the body. All hail King Drew!! However. 1 good food out of 3 total foods does not equal health.
So, rather than boring you with the statistical facts and research of why these next two items remain physiologically unfit, if you will, for our human functions, I’ll cut right to the chase.
Humans, as a species, were designed to digest certain foods. Humans (as a species) were also NOT designed to digest certain foods. When we eat said indigestible foods, we wreak havoc on our bodily systems, creating a toxic digestive environment, thus breaking down the body, thus providing difficulty to combat that of sickness and disease. Done to a habitual extent, cellular disruption occurs, and illness inevitably follows. My deepest regrets, Breesus observers, but GRAINS, as in the Kind Granola Drew devoured that one late night, fall under the category of “humanly indigestible foods.”
Next item: SO Delicious Coconut Milk, in it’s dairy free yet all the while creamy and milky complexity, contains many preservatives in order to make it such. One in particular is that of Carageenan.
Carrageenan is a commonly used food additive, similar to that of MSG, that has been known to cause colitis (inflammation of the colon, including abdominal pain and bloating) in humans, leading to an array of digestive problems. It has been regarded, since the 1940′s, as a dangerous allergen to humans, stimulating an innate immune response in the body, potentially leading to chronic inflammation. This particular substance has been found, over the years, in various baby formulas, as well as a wide range of milk products. It is known to interfere with our body’s natural defenses against abusive chemicals and toxins by enhancing that of carcinogenic (cancer causing) cells in the body. (Regular ole milk would have been a better option.) Keep it simple, Drew.
Now, math was never my forte, but I’m almost certain that indigestible foods + chronic inflammation + carcinogenic cells do not a healthy snack make.
Hold up, Saints fans. It’s not Drew’s fault. Drew isn’t sitting at home studying human physiology and the scientific, physiological reasoning behind why certain foods exist as “healthy” or rather “unhealthy” options. No, he’s not. He’s not because he doesn’t have time. He’s too busy analyzing play tactics, making charitable donations and reproducing. In lieu of, he is paying someone (the big bucks) to keep him up to date on the healthiest of late night snacking. Needless to say, he has been undeniably misinformed. Our mentor, our guide and our triumph to athletic success has been misinformed.
Furthermore, Brees holds a completion percentage of 65.9%, currently ranking 2nd in the NFL. What percentage could he conquer if he were appropriately and nutritionally guided to remain diligently within the health spectrum? God-like potential on another level, I’m sure. Call me, Drew. We’ll talk numbers.
For those of you red-faced, clench-fisted, steamed readers who wish to represent my very first personal attack, I only recommend that you keep all questions tactful and intelligent. For instance, comments of the caliber, “Oh my GOD, you like totally HATE Drew Brees!!” and, “You should NOT be allowed in another Saints Game for as long as you LIVE!!” will go unanswered.
I will delicately admire Drew Brees as a compassionate hero until the day I die, but I’m not going to jump off a bridge because he claimed it to be healthy.
Nor should any of you.