31 IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS that all media/societal-influenced people have about achieving “Health.”:
1. I should probably skip lunch today so that I can fit into my skinny jeans tonight.
2. And while I’m at it, dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow morning. 3. Hell, I’ll just never eat again. Ever. 4. I should eat tofu and margarine instead of real food that actually tastes good. It’s like totally low in calories. 5. I’ll do 34565897 sit-ups every night before bed. 6. (I only did 2 sit-ups. This month.) 7. I’m going to eat a salad. For the rest of my life. Until I die. And then my tombstone will be made of salad. And I will have finally reached a size 4. Woo! 8. I’m going to DVR Dr. OZ and watch him everyday and do everything he tells me to and take every supplement he suggests even if I experience strange bodily growths and hair loss. #bestrong 9. I’m going to run 87 miles/day to do away with my love handles, but then I will forget to stretch. Like ever. 10. I hurt my back and can’t exercise for 3 years. 11. I’m going to buy and eat low-fat everything. 12. WHAT?! I’m still fat. 13. OKAY! I’m going to do it. I’m going to eat healthy and cook my meals and never eat out again! 14. Ugh I worked late today and didn’t have time and was starving. So I went to Canes. But this diet like totally 100% starts tomorrow. 15. OMG like it’s like my girlfriend’s birthday today and her favorite food is Mexican and I like NEED chips and salsa in my life. Tomorrow. The diet starts tomorrow. 16. I’m like totally not eating today because I ate my weight in chips and salsa last night. 17. It’s cool, though, I’ll order that supplement that Dr. Oz promised will make me lose weight seconds after swallowing the pill. 18. Ugh I’m so annoyed I have like ZERO energy what is wrong with me!? 19. I’ll just break into my stash of advocare spark a licious energy phenom. It’s low cal and low sugar and Drew Brees takes it so it will for sure make me feel awesome and God-like. 20. My stomach hurts. I think I’m going to vom. 21. Thank God they have perfume spray in this office bathroom. And a vent. 22. Maybe all that poop made me lose 4 lbs.. 23. Now I totally need to do a cleanse. Let me google the best one. 24. Kale and spinach and lettuce and broccoli and water? DONE. 25. OMG the office cleaning staff must have moved the spray. 26. The new hot guy can probably smell this from his cubicle. 27. I can’t come into work today…I have a cold. And my back still hurts. And I still have the shits. AND I’M STILL FAT. 28. I wonder where I went wrong? 29. Tomorrow. This diet starts tomorrow. 30. NOOOO TOMORROW IS BRING YOUR FAVORITE DONUT TO WORK DAY 31. I’m depressed. Where’s the wine?